Another door closes...

Hello all who are reading this. Had a very profound weekend personally, so I thought I would share a little bit on the old blog here.

I just got back from Edmonton where I was very happy to see my good friend Roger become Father Roger. I went to the ordination on Friday night and it was wonderful. I think the Archdiocese of Edmonton is very blessed to have Roger as its newest priest. He was clearly joyful and content, which is how it should be!

This weekend also afforded me the chance to catch up with some of the guys from the seminary. Although I did not get a chance to see everyone, it was good to see how people's lives are unfolding.

On a more personal note, I came to a realization this weekend that I think has been a long time coming. At the beginning of 2010 I had posted on this blog that I thought this year was going to be one of big change. As we are nearly at the close of this year, I have come to feel that it has not been a year of change so much as one of closing doors. Of course, Ari and I have experienced some profound changes this year with her health. However, for both of us, in terms of us moving into a house, preparing for a Convalidation, and in other matters, I think closure is a bit more appropriate as a description.

For myself the military thing was cleared up this year (by the way I believe I'm on the Supp Reserve list now). The house is more or less finished the "big" projects that needed to get done. But I think this year has presented me with closure to a chapter of my life which has loomed in the background for the better part of three years now. On December 27, 2007, I returned back to Lethbridge to live after my 3 1/2 years at St. Joseph Seminary. The seminary experience had such an effect on me that it took until about July/Aug 2008 to really start sorting my head out and readjusting to "life on the outside".

I can remember Fr Shayne, the Rector, telling someone else who had left that it takes the better part of 6-8 months to "deprogram" after one leaves the Seminary, and it certainly did for me. My first half year back in town was a bizarre one to be sure, and I know did not endear me to many around, because I came across as quite bizarre at time (although in fairness, I always have to some people). I had thought things were fairly sorted out in my own mind, until this last week when I made my venture to Roger's Ordination. I don't think I had ever really stopped identifying myself with that life I had led, which in part explains some of my confusion and frustration with other elements in my life. But I think I'm there now...and I liberated.

This visit to Edmonton marked the first time I had been around my Seminarian friends for over a year, and something was strangely different...there aren't really all that many left who haven't moved on either to ordination or other vocational pursuits in life. I realized, really for the first time, that that life I had led is indeed in my past, it didn't continue on after I left. Indeed, when I go back to Edmonton as of this summer, except to say hello to some of the formation team members perhaps...there really isn't a reason for me to visit the seminary...because the vast majority of those I was closest too are gone. It's kind of sad in a way, but it actually feels joyous for some reason. That seminarian life is only a memory.

Similarily, I went into the brand new seminary and for the first time since 2004, walking into St. Joseph's, it was no longer a "home" to me. It was a totally foreign building with largely unknown people in it. Beautiful to be sure, but not part of my heart.

These two elements lifted an enormous weight off of me to begin with. But there were some experiences which were even more "liberating" in a sort of strange way. As I expected before I got there, I was yelled at and scowled at by people who were once very close. This reaction of course brought about by choices I have made for my life which, these people, perhaps more than others, had difficulty with. At first I felt stressed and shamed...but something happened yesterday...I felt even more liberated. For the people around me this weekend I am and was identified by them as "Former Seminarian Aaron Roth". All well and factual to be sure...but I realized finally, that fact no longer defines me as a person...I am, so that all may see and hear: Aaron Roth, plain and simple. Once upon a time I was a seminarian (a memory and and an experience I will always treasure), but that is part of my past. As Roger was so confirmed in his calling this weekend, so I was again confirmed that priestly ordination is not my calling, and I feel the same joy and liberty that he expressed on Friday and Saturday, and will "Lord will'in the creek don't rise" his whole life. I will define myself from now on, who I will become and what I will do.

There will still be some "edges to smooth out" with some people to be sure. There are some people, based on their reactions to me this weekend, I really do not care whether the edges are ever smoothed. But I give thanks to the overwhelming number of friends and family who have been so supportive and kind to me and Ari these last couple of years.